First Steps

I’ve been putting this post off for a week or so, primarily because I wanted to finish a book I was reading so this could also be a book review of sorts, but also because my putting this in the public sphere is, well, making it public. I don’t know why that bothers me so much, but for some reason I have a bit of anxiety about it. I guess it all boils down to not wanting criticism and not wanting to look foolish if things don’t work out. But this is where I am at right now, and this is my blog, so here goes: Ryan and I are taking the first steps toward adoption.

If you read my blog, you’ve heard me reference infertility and the desire for children before, so this might not be that big of a surprise. I suppose it’s the “real life” element that makes me the most anxious, as I feel much more at ease telling the entire faceless cyber world that I am infertile than I do my friends, family, students, and co-workers. But that fear is slowly dissipating, and God has truly been with me over the past month in a tangible way I have not experienced since college.

This story probably begins long before the beginning of this year, as I will come to discover in time as I reflect upon things, but for me it starts in the doctor’s office on January 11. February 1st would make a year since Ryan and I began trying to start a family, but being the impatient person that I am, I had already made an appointment for January. My doctor was very straightforward with me, explaining that she had no concerns, nothing I told her was abnormal, sometimes it just takes time for couples to conceive, and she would suggest for us to just keep trying and stay patient and stress-free. She obviously doesn’t know me very well! I was not satisfied with this response, and continued to press her. Truthfully, my goal was to walk out of the office visit with a prescription for Clomid and hopefully a pregnancy the next month – ha! She finally gave me the cold, hard facts: she could not do anything without hormone and semen testing first, this would cost around $1,600, and insurance does not cover anything related to infertility.

I left the office in a daze, went out to our Jeep, and cried, no, a better word would be mourned, all the way home. Perhaps some of you are having trouble seeing the problem, but for me $1,600 is not pocket change. I don’t want your sympathy, but Ryan and I have chosen to work at a ministry where we make around $12,000 a year combined. There is no way we can justify paying $1,600 for testing that might show an abnormality, or might show no problem at all. That price tag for “just finding out” is extremely too high for us and our peace of mind. So where did that leave me? Utterly hopeless. I woke up the next morning – Tuesday, January 12 – literally feeling like a piece of me had died. I awoke feeling the heavy weight of mourning the unborn children I felt like I had been told I would never meet. I realize that perhaps sounds melodramatic or extreme, but it’s the truth. I simply felt like my dream of having a biological child had been ripped from me and there was nothing I could ever do to get it back.

And then, only a few hundred miles away from me, Haiti experienced a devastating earthquake. And so did my life.

It’s truly inexplicable, as these things surely always are, but as soon as I found out about the quake in Haiti I became obsessed with it. Part of it for me undoubtedly was that we have a simply adorable little 7th grade student at our school from Haiti and I was very concerned about both him and his family. But it was more than that too. I’d always known that Haiti had an abundance of orphans, but for some reason seeing it in newsprint only a day after my lowest of lows illuminated a whole new world. It was as if in the midst of so much sadness and devastation, both for Haiti and even for me, God was showing me a glimmer of hope. No, glimmer isn’t the word – it was more like a huge ray of hope bursting through the door, forcing the door wide open!

And so I began getting serious about adoption. I contacted several people I knew who had adopted, asking them for information. I began finding what information I could online. Here is where God really started navigating! It didn’t take long for me to be smacked in the face with the reality that I knew existed: Ryan and I cannot afford a domestic or international adoption on our salary. It would be virtually impossible. I’m not saying that if God wanted us to adopt internationally it would not happen; I truly believe that if that were His plan the funds would make themselves available in some way. What I am saying is that God has shown Ryan and me another path over the past month: Special Needs Adoption.

I don’t know about other states, but Kentucky’s Special Needs Adoption program is seemingly too-good-to-be true (but it is true!). Virtually all costs are covered – a fact that I must be straightforward in saying is a big part of why Ryan and I are taking this route. But for us, it’s more than that. God has called us to a mission field where every day we work with students who have been rejected in some form. We encounter precious children every day who feel as if no one wants them. While our ultimate goal is to point them to Jesus, it is our desire to show them Jesus through ourselves. We want to help them find both a sense of home and identity through Christ, but also through our ministry. Although we fully realize that adopting a child is much different than spending 5 hours a week with them, we still feel like God is pointing us to this specific type of adoption in a variety of ways, one of which is our choice of ministry.

I’m the type of person that doesn’t want to enter into any big decision without first discerning what God would have me do. I’ve found in my life, though, that this can be a tricky process. Although I had much trepidation about this decision, God has made it pretty evident what we should do. Like I said, I contacted several people I knew who had each done a different type of adoption. While everyone who responded to my query was friendly and helpful, the Special Needs adoptive mom I contacted went above and beyond to give me information and answer all my pesky questions. I truly feel like I have found a kindred spirit in this woman, and I thank God for her! I don’t want to live my life on the lookout for “signs” telling me what to do, but if ever there was one, this is it! I don’t think I can chalk it up to coincidence that the one Special Needs contact I had has been positively amazing in helping me.

When I told my parents about the direction Ryan and I were headed, my dad immediately had my mom log onto Amazon and order Russell D. Moore’s book Adopted for Life for us. This book has changed my life, and if I could force it upon you so that your life would be changed, believe me, I would! I hope it is not, but if this book turns out to be the last book my father ever gives me, then I could not ask for anything better. In this book, Moore operates on the basic thesis that as Christians we have no choice but to adopt or at least support adoption in some way. It is our obligation as adopted children of God. Do you realize how radical that statement is? If not, read it again. If every church and every Christian implemented Moore’s vision, we would have empty orphanages and no one bouncing from home to home in the foster system. We would have millions of dollars supporting orphanages and adoption programs. Adoption would not be viewed as something to be ashamed of, or kept hush-hush, or even looked down upon as a last resort for those who can’t get pregnant. Adopted children and biological children would not be given labels. They would simply all be children, and all be children of God. And, although Moore doesn’t directly state this, I will: if we, as Christians, are going to be so vocally pro-life, it’s time to talk the talk and walk the walk by adopting children. Let’s show our pro-life stance not by slapping a stupid bumper sticker on our car, but instead by calling an adoption agency or writing a check. It’s ludicrous for us to be so condescending toward women who choose to abort their children if we are not going to do anything to help them. Why should we expect a woman to give life to her child if all she sees are children sitting in orphanages or being abused by foster parents? That doesn’t seem like a better option to me. But if we, as Christians, would step up to the plate and create a culture of adoption in both our homes and our churches, things could radically change.

I had decided Ryan and I would read Moore’s book and then make our final decision. I was going to read it cautiously, on the lookout for anything that might be an indication that we should not pursue adoption. HA! If you have not had your way of thinking totally revolutionized by the time you reach the fourth chapter of Moore’s book, then you’re probably too self-absorbed. Before I even got to the heart of the book I was ready to go! Like I said, I wish I could force everyone I know – specifically other infertile/childless couples I know – to read this book, because I found it life-changing. By the time I was finished, I was seriously praying, “Lord, please don’t let me get pregnant this month because I want to adopt!” and that’s been my feeling ever since. See what I mean about God tangibly at work in my life? I have spent the last 11 months feeling sadness and longing like I’d never felt before. Only God could heal those wounds and radically change the desire of my heart. I know I am not capable of that on my own.

So there it is. Ryan and I have made the initial phone calls and will be starting our required ten weeks of training sometime in April (if not sooner, pray for sooner!). Until then we are trying to enjoy time together and learn as much as we can about what we will be getting into! I’ve posted this so that if you pray, you can join us in praying for our family – our family as it is now, plus whatever children God has waiting for us. I have not posted this so that you can criticize or give me words of warning. Let me be explicit in saying that we know adoption is a risk, and we know that Special Needs children are aptly named and of course have lots of challenges that they will bring with them, but at the end of the day we don’t care. Of course we don’t want to go into this with rose-colored glasses, thinking everything will be like the Brady Bunch. That’s why we are attending classes as well as doing research on our own. But no matter what, we do want to go into this. Period. Is it a risk? Yes. Will there be challenges? Oh yeah. But here’s the thought I keep coming back to: was it a risk for God to adopt me into His family? Yes. Did He have to do it? Certainly not. Do I always love Him and appreciate Him and show Him the love a child should? No, of course not. There have even been times I have spit in His face, times I’ve ran away from His home. But God knew all that and adopted me anyway. He gave me a home and an identity I would not otherwise have. I was an orphan, as were you, and God took us in and made us family. Isn’t doing the same for a child really the least I could do? Is it something you could do as well?

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for joining me in praying for our family.