I have purposely not blogged about this because I initially felt a lot of shame, and still do to some extent, but I have to come clean in order to write this post: Silas is not breastfed, and has not been for most of his life now. Depending on how well you know me and/or follow me in other internet circles, you may already know all of this, but for those who don’t, here is the story. I tried to breastfeed Silas. I felt in my heart like something was not quite “right.” I was not feeling or experiencing the things that other breastfeeding women I knew would describe, but I thought I would keep trying. When we took Silas for his one-week checkup, he had not gained any weight, and had actually lost a few ounces. The pediatrician was concerned, and told us that she suggested we start supplementing with formula. We really did not want to do this, so we persisted with trying to breastfeed. When Silas went back to the doctor one week later, he still had not gained weight. The doctor told us that now there was no question, we had to supplement. So we began supplementing, but within only a few supplemental feedings Silas had stopped taking the breast and only wanted the bottle. I shed tears – many, many tears – but for three months now he has been bottle fed and it is fine. Actually, it is more than fine, and that’s the point of this post.
I still would like to breastfeed the next baby who hopefully comes along, but I will admit that this is not because I want to, but instead only because it is what I know is nutritionally best for the baby. I get scared, though, that having my first baby formula-fed is a recipe for breastfeeding failure. I intentionally try to always think, “What if I were breastfeeding right now? How would this situation be different?” That is leaving me pretty scared.
I will admit that there are some aspects of bottle feeding that I like. For me, breastfeeding was extremely painful and not at all the magical bonding experience that I was told it would be. Now I don’t know if that is because we quit before either Silas or I got the hang of it, or if my body was not producing enough milk and Silas had a terrible latch – I tend to think the latter. I get scared that this will happen again with a second baby, and I feel like why even go through all of that again, combined with the scary situation of the baby not gaining weight, if I could just bottle feed? Is that awful? But on the other hand I’ve had several women tell me that they could not breastfeed baby #1 but had no trouble at all with #2. Go figure.
I also really enjoy the convenience of bottle feeding. Now this may seem silly, since with breastfeeding all you have to do is essentially whip it out and there’s the perfect food, but let me explain with an example. We just got back from a trip to Ohio to visit Ryan’s family. While traveling, I of course had to feed Silas. This was a big “What if I were breastfeeding?” situation for me. While on the road, I was able to feed Silas inside McDonald’s and Cracker Barrel with no trouble. While out celebrating a family birthday at O’Charley’s, I simply whipped out Silas’ bottle, mixed his formula with water, and fed him there at the table. I really enjoy being able to do that with no hassle and without having to leave the room or make people uncomfortable. I enjoy being able to feed Silas wherever we go. I think that my biggest problem is that – no lie – I have literally never seen a woman breastfeeding in public. Does it happen? Seriously, please tell me! I have never, ever seen it! And because of this, I feel like I could never, ever do it, and I am always counting my lucky stars that I have a bottle fed baby. Is that awful?
Sherry of YoungHouseLove just posted about how her breastfeeding time has come to an end. She talks about how she was not crazy about it at first, feeling overwhelmed by how time-consuming it was. She tells a great story about how when her daughter was very young she and her husband had gone to visit friends for the weekend and every two hours she was having to go off to a private room to nurse for 30-40 minutes. She recounts how she began adding it up in her head and realized how many hours she was going to spend nursing while everyone else was out having fun. That really hit home for me because I had those same exact feelings while I was trying to breastfeed Silas. I remember on Easter Sunday we were over at my Mom’s and it seemed like almost as soon as I had come back into the room and was getting to visit with my family, Silas would need to eat again. I sat back in my old bedroom feeding him somewhat begrudgingly and thinking, “All I am is a milk cow. I am never going to have a life.” I felt a similar claustrophobic feeling when I realized that Silas was completely dependent upon me for his food and this meant no date nights, no grandmas babysitting for extended periods of time. Now that Silas is bottle-fed, Ryan and I have been able to enjoy extended alone time and excursions without Silas, and I have to admit that I really like that flexibility.
You may remember that in one of my posts prior to having Silas, I explained that I was really scared about breastfeeding and I said one reason I really wanted it to work was because I did not like the idea of someone else feeding him. I have to admit that now I really like that. I like that Ryan can feed him if I need him to, or that a grandma can have her chance to bond with him by giving him a bottle. I still do prefer to be the one to feed him because it still feels like a special time for me, but I enjoy not feeling so tied down.
So am I an awful mom? Well, don’t answer that because I know I am not an awful mom, and I don’t spend much time worrying about it. What I do spend time worrying about is whether or not I am an irresponsible, selfish person for actually enjoying having a bottle-fed baby. I also worry whether or not I will ever be able to breastfeed, not physically but psychologically. I think it would be a huge adjustment, that is for sure.
Women used to breastfeed right in the middle of the lobby when I worked at the kids’ science museum in Columbus. I thought it was wonderful, but ohhhhh, how people used to stop and stare and make a big deal of it. In fact, I follow the comments for Tracey’s blog in my RSS reader, and just yesterday, she got two horrible comments on a really old post about how disgusting it is when women breastfeed in public. I do not get it. 1) Why do you care? 2) Why do you think anyone else cares to hear about how much you care?
Anyway, obviously you’re doing what’s right for your kid, and this is actually better for me, because now I can stop lactating in anticipation of meeting Silas in a few months and needing to feed him while you eat your Graeter’s.
There’s no reason to feel bad about doing what works for you and your family. I breastfed my kids, but I remember it being painful, especially at first. (They say that people with fair skin tend to have more pain with breastfeeding, although I’ve never actually seen a study on it.)
I actually found breastfeeding to be very convenient. Of course, part of the reason is because I didn’t hesitate to feed my kids in public (with a blanket covering them). I think, though, that it’s easier to breastfeed in public here in the North than the South. When my son was 2 weeks old, we drove from Wisconsin to North Carolina for my brother’s wedding. My son was nursing every two hours at the time. For the most part, I’d feed him wherever we were at the time – at a rest stop, in the van at a gas station, or in a restaurant. Unfortunately, somewhere around Kentucky or West Virginia, we were in a fast-food place and I was feeding the baby when a man up at the counter made a very loud and rude comment about my breastfeeding. When my sister-in-law was nursing her kids, she would only do it in private. I thought it was kind of funny because I had breastfed my son at her parent’s house in rooms full of people, so it wasn’t like her parents had never seen a breastfeeding mom!
If you do try breastfeeding with another baby, I’d really strongly recommend trying to find a lactation consultant. When I was working (as a family physician), the lactation specialist in our hospital would do phone consultations with new families as well as have them bring the baby in to be weighed before the one week check-up. When babies needed supplementation, the lactation specialist would work with the parents to find the technique that worked best (rarely just a bottle). And, by about 12 weeks, most babies can be given an occasional bottle so mom and dad can have some time to themselves. When my daughter was 6 months old, my hubby and I had a night to ourselves while Grandma kept her. We did something similar when my son was 5 months old. I’m sure it helped that I was comfy with pumping and the kids were used to bottles.
Breastfeeding is nutritionally best for a baby, but bottle fed babies in this country at this time in history do quite well. As much as I encourage families to breastfeed, it sometimes works out better for a baby to be bottle-fed. Do what’s right for you and your family. You’re not a bad mom.
Blessings,
Catherine
(Hope you don’t mind a guy weighing in here).
First off…everybody’s got to reach their own decisions about the breastfeeding thing. I have a dim view of people who deride mommies for the conclusions that they come to. This stuff is hard and there are a lot of variables, so the nazis can go walk west til their hats float.
Ahem.
We went into having kids intending to breastfeed, but we found ourselves in a similar situation to you. Amanda nursed, but there just wasn’t enough milk getting to them to thrive. What we eventually went with was primarily formula feeding, but we also bought a high quality breast pump. Amanda would pump several times a day and we’d give them as much as she could produce. That we, we figured they were at least getting some of the antibodies/etc supposedly passed along. We kept that up for 3 months (I think) with each child.
I second the lactation consultant suggestion. We employed one and, although she wasn’t able to fix our problem, at least she removed a lot of doubt about whether or not we were doing something wrong, or if the baby wasn’t latching, etc, etc. I won’t say we were happy to learn that even the consultant agreed we’d have to supplement, but at least we had closure, you know?
You’re a good mommy. Good luck finding what works best.
How can you be considered selfish when you gave it so much effort? Now that this is where you are I think it is great that you are enjoying this season in Silas life! I rarely ventured out in public because of breastfeeding. Maxwell was such a finicky eater that I pumped for just about every feeding! He wouldn’t take the dairy free formula so I didn’t have a choice- I’m thankful the lord provided the milk even though getting it was such a hassle. I always had to find a private place with a plug in order to feed- it was a relief when it all stopped. Actually my pumped exploded- fire and all. I took that as a sign that it was time to stop.
You’re not a bad mom. Breastfeeding isn’t always the rosy, heartwarming experience La Leche League would like you to think it is. If you do decide to breastfeed your subsequent kid(s), I can’t recommend a lactation consultant highly enough. I can honestly say that if it weren’t for them, I would have stopped nursing Timmy months ago.
As far as nursing in public, you pull out your nursing cover and just do it. I used to be more shy about doing so, but after being on vacation and feeding Timmy in the airport as well as the plane, I had no qualms about nursing with family around. I didn’t travel all that way to sit in a bedroom to feed my child several times a day.
I had a very difficult experience breastfeeding at first. It was so painful and, like you, I felt like it was all that I did. She would finish eating and then be hungry again in no time. I don’t feel comfortable breastfeeding in public either, so I just stayed at home all the time, or only left when I knew I could be back in 30 minutes, or was going somewhere like a relative’s where I could go in a back room and nurse. I got very bitter about it. I would have given up at 4 weeks if my husband hadn’t encouraged me to keep going.
As you know we have the opposite problem. Sarah got where she loved breastfeeding so much that any attempt to give her a bottle resulted in a 30 minute scream fest. I was at my wits end with the time to go back to work fast approaching.But we’ve persisted, and she’s finally taking the bottles during the day. She doesn’t always do it easily, but at least she will do it.
I don’t think you should feel bad at all. Every situation is different, and you have to do what will keep your child healthy. I have been envious a number of times of moms who just pull out those bottles and keep going. They don’t have to worry about making a scene or being held back on a car ride. Just remember, you’re doing the best thing for your son. You’ll know if breastfeeding is right the next time around, and if it’s not, no big deal! Your baby will still be healthy and grow.
Noel, you know how I feel about this. If I can breastfeed, I will, but if I can’t, I’ve promised myself and The Guy that I’m not going to sweat it. You are a great mom, and what’s important is that Silas has a fully tummy and is healthy and happy (and adorable!). But by the same token, I can totally understand why this is important to you.
Any way you get your baby fed is the healthy way. I have breastfed all three of my kids until about the age of 10 months-ish. I won’t lie. It’s annoying at times. But I breastfeed in public. Stare at me all you want. I don’t care. Baby’s gotta eat. I tell gawkers that if there wasn’t breastfeeding hundreds of years ago, we’d all be extinct. That shuts them up. I’m very discrete and use a cover, obviously. I don’t want people to see my boobs any more than THEY want to see them.
It is painful in the beginning. I remember with my first, it hurt for about 2 weeks until it’d stop. I mean, it literally took my breath away. Now, I feel pretty much nothing except for the let down. So if you try to do it with your second down the line, know that the pain does subside. But when you’re a hormone casserole, it is hard to see the light at the end of the painful, painful boob-tunnel.
You’re still a good Mom. I’m pretty sure every Mom has a “this is how it’s going to be” idea of parenting, then the baby comes and it goes to hell in a handbasket. It’s fun, in retrospect, to just let it ride.
I’ll answer anyway–you’re not an awful mom.
Add me to the ranks of happy, healthy, well-adjusted adults who were bottlefed. My mom was heartbroken that breastfeeding didn’t work out–I, like Silas, was losing/not gaining weight. But we both survived. (And there may have been some guilt-induced over-compensating once she started bottle-feeding me … I turned into a rather … robust … baby.) And she went on to breastfeed both my younger brothers.
I think breastfeeding in public must be a pretty regional thing. I’m in California, and it’s totally common here, and with various levels of modesty involved. Some women use a cover-up, some just whip it out.
You know, don’t feel bad about it! I nurse both my girls, but there are a lot of advantages to not, which you’ve discovered. The other day, my brother-in-law wandered around the corner in my own house and boy, that was uncomfortable. I’m pretty comfortable nursing in public and don’t even bother with a cover here, but it’s Seattle- everyone nurses! I can’t tell you how many moms I’ve seen nursing- it’s more shocking to me to see someone get out a bottle and mix it up (as a friend did at our lunch recently). But I was bottlefed, and my second wouldn’t take a bottle (even of breastmilk) forever, which really limited us… though admittedly we don’t have family in town to babysit anyway, so even a night out to a free movie/the park/whatever with my husband still costs us $10/hr. Which means it’s barely worth it to leave the house anyway!
Who cares if someone else can feed your baby if you can’t go out anyway? 
Hahah 
Seriously, though, I do wish I’d bottlefed my youngest because she’s so bottle-resistant, and I’m now in the phase (tandem nursing a 2-year-old and a nearly-one-year-old) where I”m very much looking forward to being dooooooone nursing 
Don’t beat yourself up about it. There are pros and cons (as there are with every parenting decision) and you just do whatever works best for your family, you know?