Every night I fight it.
I hold Silas in my arms and feed him his bottle. I sing the same three songs and we pray the Lord’s Prayer. Then I pull him up on my shoulder, rub his back, and rock him.
And the fight begins.
That little voice kicks in and reminds me…
You have laundry to do. You need to wash diapers. The bottles are waiting, and you need to prepare food for tomorrow. Don’t you have papers to grade? When are you going to have time to wash your hair? Have you swept the floor this week?
On and on it goes, tugging at me, pulling at me, that inexorable list of things that always need to be done.
I try to fight it.
I try to remind myself that he will only be this little once. He already does not fit in my arms like he used to, and I can tangibly feel that he is not a little baby anymore. I try to breathe in his scent, close my eyes, and shut out the other voice.
Sometimes I win, and sometimes I am too weak, laying Silas in his crib guiltily as I march onward toward the next task.
He’s only going to be this little once. When will I ever learn?
I received this reminder today. I need more like it.
I do this every night too. Every night. And I hate it. I have to shut the voice out too.
Just have another one. And then have another one when that one grows up. No big deal.
Someone told me when P was first born “Quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep, I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep.” It’s definitely something that every mama struggles with, checking things off a to-do list instead of reading and cuddling and playing.