These days I have been struggling with a fairly agonizing decision: do I teach summer school or do I stay home with Silas? Two summers ago I stayed home with him because he was a tiny little infant. Ryan did teach, but Silas was fairly easy, and even though most of that is a blur in my mind I certainly don’t regret the decision. Last year Ryan and I both took the summer off. While we enjoyed several trips and vacations and lots of family time, by the end of the summer we were ready to get back to work. I discovered that I was not cut out for this stay-at-home-mom business.
Well, it’s now a year later. Ryan will be working this summer – his new position requires it. Silas is a year older and wiser, which translates to being a full-blown toddler. I hear that the behavior he is exhibiting is “typical Terrible Two behavior,” but all I know is that most days he is very difficult and makes me realize how bad I am at exercising patience with a little person who has trouble communicating and can’t even be away from me long enough to bathe myself.
In short, I don’t know what I want to do.
Here’s the thing: if I teach summer school, it will be fairly miserable. That’s basically a given. All day in a room with the same kids. They don’t want to be there. I don’t want to be there. Most of them are there because they are repeating the course they already took and failed once before. I’ve done it twice and can attest to the misery. But it’s good money. It really is. It’s money we could use to buy new furniture. Or take a trip. Or pay for an extra grad school course (that’s the really tempting option).
And the reality is I feel like I am not cut out for the stay-at-home-mom gig. Half the time I have no idea what to do with my own child. I marvel at how he is still alive because I feel so clueless all of the time. I frequently take care of Silas by myself, particularly during basketball season, but it sure is nice having Ryan around. I’ve never done 6+ weeks straight of the single parent thing. It scares me. A lot. But because of all of that, I feel like teaching summer school would be taking the coward’s way out. I feel like it would be me saying, “I don’t really know how to be a stay-at-home-mom, so I’ll let somebody else deal with my child when I have the option not to.” That hurts my heart.
Really I thought about it a lot over the past week and I decided that as annoyed as I get when people say things to me like, “Enjoy these years because you’ll miss them,” there must be some kernel of truth to it…right? I don’t see myself being 80 years old regretting that I didn’t partake in Summer School 2013. I could see myself being 80 years old and regretting that I didn’t spend time with my son when I had the chance, though. That’s what it has to boil down to.
That and the fact that if I stay home I can potentially stay in PJ’s and not wear a bra for the majority of the summer. That’s a good reason too, right? Of course a daily shower will not be a guarantee with the toddler in tow. But it’s not like I’ll be seeing anyone…
First of all, Silas won’t remember the summer of 2013 where you taught. So take heart in that. You need to weigh the pros and cons. Trust me, being a stay at home mom isn’t a walk in the park what so ever, and I find myself jealous from time to time of those people who get to go off to work and eat out for lunch by themselves but I regress. So you’re not crazy, you’re normal.
Suck it up is a motto around these parts. So if summer school would be awful, but beneficial for everyone, mostly yourself, do it. Suck it up.
If you feel like you need to iron out the wrinkles in motherhood – which trust me, I’m still working on – then stay home with him and suck it up. Honestly, having only one kid, I’m sure he would thrive with other kids in daycare. You would be more refreshed when you came home, maybe even happy to parent, and it may just be best for everyone.
Good luck, and know you’re not alone.
Although I love Cassie’s advice, I think “I don’t see myself being 80 years old regretting that I didn’t partake in Summer School 2013″ is so true. If you can get the grad school money elsewhere, I would. Take the kid to the park and let him run wild.
I think I’m with Katie (if you’re even remotely interested in what people without kids think – I realize that in many circles that fact alone removes us from having anything worthwhile to offer on the subject).
I wonder if there’s a way to get some sanity by picking up some volunteer work, or a part-time job? Like, could you tutor a kid who’s not an a-hole for a few hours a week, just to get out of the house? Some over-achiever? I’m not sure, but I have to think there’s got to be a way for you to spend time with the kid, maybe even to the degree that it helps you feel more confident, but still keep your adult brain engaged enough so that you don’t feel like a crazyperson at the end of the summer.