A few days ago a friend of mine posted a photo on Facebook. It was a cup of coffee, her Bible, and another religious book laying on the table. The caption read something to the effect of, “Love mornings like this when the boys sleep in just long enough for me to enjoy it but not start to worry.” It reinforced something I’ve been thinking about for some time now: God does understand the heart of the mother, right? I know he does, I trust he does, but sometimes I like reminding.
What do I mean by that? Well, there are Sundays when I leave church, get into the car, and fight off the tears of frustration and dejection as I think about how I can’t even remember the last time I heard a sermon…as in heard the words in my ears and was not distracted enough by a towheaded little toddler vying for my attention in such a way that the words could not move on into my heart and mind. There are times when I feel so absolutely tired that the extra sleep beckons to me in such a way that I can’t imagine even making time to get up early and read my Bible. I’ve been working diligently on being better about that last one, but then a new frustration arises: my quiet morning devotion is interrupted by a small but firm voice calling out, “Mommy! I get up!” and I somehow try to finish my praying and studying while Super Why plays on the T.V. in the background.
It’s so easy to become frustrated and discouraged – trust me, I know, I’m the best that there is at those emotions. But I’m slowly trying to realize that, simply put, it’s OK. God understands my heart. That’s not an excuse to blatantly not make my spiritual life a priority, but I do think that God smiles on Silas and the wonderful distraction and fatigue-inducer which he is, rather than shake his head at me for not doing an in-depth Bible study this week or taking copious sermon notes.
I’ve heard older women say things about how this is a season and later, when Silas has moved away and started a life of his own, that will be another season. One is not better or worse than the other, but they are different and with them will come different priorities. I’m trying to do the best I can now, in this season of toddler-mamahood, but it’s not always easy. But the good news is that I don’t think God minds.